What Is Wrong With Me?
This same question has popped up in more than one of my client sessions recently. “What is wrong with me?”
Usually this is asked in the context of “I am not doing as much as the other guy” or “Why can’t I get it all done?” I mean why is it that I see women in the grocery store with their hair and make-up done, three kids in tow, who are clean with matching outfits and bows in their hair, and I can’t even finish my laundry?!! When we see a person who appears to have it “all together”, our tendency is to use that person’s personal hygiene habits (or whatever) to make ourselves feel awful!
Why do we do that? I mean, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? The short answer is: nothing. My experience is that this feeling is so common, there should be a twelve step program for it. We learn early on how to compete with our peers, how our life is a “race”, and that there are certain things we must do in order to “win”. For some of us, keeping ourselves and our families well-groomed is one of those things. It is unfortunate that another person can use that as a sign that they are not measuring up.
I have had more than my share of self-beatings in the grocery store and other places. I know how debilitating it can be to believe, or even suspect, that I am losing the race, that I am flawed, that there is something innately “wrong” with me. For if that is true, there is nothing I can do about it. I am not and will never be good enough.
Now the longer answer to the question…
If you sometimes (or most of the time) feel overwhelmed by your life, if you have too many things stacked on your plate, if you feel like you don’t have enough time for it all, you are completely normal! There is not anything wrong with you.
What I began asking myself when I felt the need to compare my life to someone else’s is this, “Am I doing the best I can?” If I could honestly answer “yes” to that question, then I gave myself some slack and relaxed a bit. How can I do more than my best? To expect more of myself than what I can reasonably give is unproductive and fairly destructive. When I am spending time in my head berating myself for not being “better”, I am not accomplishing more. In addition, it drains me and can strain my relationships because of how badly I end up feeling. So, in the end, the same amount of stuff gets done, only everyone involved is usually unhappy.
So, how can I stop sizing myself up to those people who seem to have their lives under control at all times? I can create my own yardstick! How I choose to measure myself will be determined by me and only me. I do this by taking inventory of how I spend my time and what things are truly valuable to me. I also ask myself, “Does this other person actually have something in their life that I want and I don’t have?” Hmm… tricky question. Perhaps it is not so important to me that my children have perfectly coifed hair. What really matters to me is that we have time to sit and visit over a healthy breakfast and that our mornings together aren’t rushed. What I value may not be the same as what you value. When I step back and evaluate how I am doing in light of my own goals and dreams, I don’t seem to notice who is wearing make-up and who isn’t. The challenge lies in being true to who YOU are, and reminding ourselves that each of us has a unique path in life. Your journey might require different shoes than my journey, but our paths are equal. It is really impossible to compare the two.
Some of my favorite moments in life would likely be viewed by others as “non-productive”, yet they add a quality to my life that I wouldn’t trade for a spotless house or timely laundry completion. And while I am in awe of the woman in the store who is all put together, I can appreciate that she doesn’t diminish who I am, and that allows me to be happy for her and enjoy her beauty.
Next time you feel yourself becoming intimidated by another person’s apparent togetherness, stop and breathe. Then, take some personal inventory. Do I really know what is going on in THAT person’s life? Do I know for sure that they have something that I DON’T have already? Could it be possible that they would trade me for my life, if I only knew? In fact, that other person might be looking at you and wishing they had YOUR hair, or YOUR smile, or YOUR friendly nature. Instead of badgering yourself, remember to appreciate who YOU are, and in that moment, ALL IS RIGHT WITH YOU.
