Alone.

I stood alone on the beach watching the sunset. It was magnificent. Did I mention I was alone?

I began to contemplate lonliness. I’ve felt severe lonliness before. I’ve been depressed. I’m sad almost daily, at least for a moment. Standing there on the beach I asked myself, “Am I lonely, or sad? What is this feeling?” It was different. It felt important somehow.

I’ve been drawn to solitude a lot lately. I meditate. I pray. I ask for guidance and say thank yous for lists of things. I jot down ideas, and write things. Most times they are left “unfinished”. I forget to eat. I let people in and I go out, but then I go back to my little cocoon and sit still in the quiet. I wait. I listen. I feel.

All this time, I have wondered what it’s all about, this need for solitude. I begin to wonder if I’m turning into a hermit, but then I’ll be drawn to going out dancing with my friends, or creating a video on a hilltop and sharing it without editing. At times, my mind will jump in and tell me scary stories about why I SHOULD be doing “other things”, you know, besides hibernating. The mind doesn’t have very nice things to say about it. Sometimes I believe the scary stories and start to get down on myself. But time and again, LIFE gives me nods, signs, and messages, that I am doing exactly what I’m meant to do right now.

So back to the beach, watching the sunset over the low tide. As I buried my feet into the mush of the wet sand, I began to talk out loud to God/Higher Source/Universe…and this is what came out:

I want to release ALL control over my life and the circumstances in it.

I want everything to move THROUGH ME…words, thoughts, actions, writing, mistakes, emotions, energy, peace, love…for the highest good of others and myself.

I want to be a conduit, a vessel only, to be used for worthy endeavors that inspire and heal.

I stared out at the horizon. Then a message came so subtly to me that I could have easily missed it. I am being called to do higher, bigger things in this life. The reason for going IN is about gathering and saving energy, so that I can do whatever is asked of me next. It isn’t cruel that I have been watching so many sunsets alone. It is actually benevolent. It is preparation.

I have felt this since I was small, that there was something bigger I was meant to do. I never understood it and it’s not something you say out loud at dinner parties. Even writing it now is terrifying to me, as it can surely be construed as arrogance or even grandiosity. The scariest part however, is saying that I’m going to do something bigger and then being expected to do it. What if I’m wrong? What if I am not worthy? And what happens if everyone finds out that I’m wrong and unworthy?

I suppose I’m at a crossroads. From where I stand now, there isn’t any turning back. I don’t know what is ahead but I have decided no matter what it is, I’m moving toward it. I am trusting without having all the information. I am creating new habits and new boundaries, and honing my intuition. When I’m afraid or those mean voices show up, I will meditate and pray my way through them. I will FEEL everything with honor and then let it go. I cannot resist anymore. I am answering the call.

What is LIFE asking of you?