The Quiet Place Between Here And There
How is it that I go from feeling immense gratitude and love, and the sense that all is well and perfect in my life… to writhing on my floor sobbing with no interest in going on at all? If you’ve got an answer, or a SOLUTION, I’d love to hear it! Cuz that is how my life has looked for the past few months.
Following some pretty severe depression episodes this past summer, I have slowly begun to piece myself (and my life) together again. It has been drastic. Nearly everything that I knew before has been uprooted and rearranged. Practically overnight, I went from having both my children full time, with my babies (doggy and kitty) at home with me, to living in a little duplex alone, with no children, and no babies. Without even sharing the other things that have happened, this on its own has sent me into a few tailspins.
So yeah, it’s been hard. Some days still are. Yet there are some serious lessons in play here, which are all good. I am in many ways recreating the relationships I have with my children. There are some growing pains involved, but I am being challenged to parent them in new ways. My daughter is an adult now and living away from home for college. Our already close connection has taken on a new dimension, one in which she is more my friend, except when she needs her mama (wink wink). To say that I am proud of her is a gross understatement. She is finding her way among so many new experiences with grace, tenacity, and a maturity that I’m sure she must have learned outside of me. My son has gone to live full time with his dad, and so the time I have with him now seems glaringly lacking. It makes it that much more important to use the time wisely. I find myself recreating trauma with him (in my own mind) from the disfunctional relationships I’ve had all my life with men and boys. It makes me extra determined to heal that part of myself so as not to put that on my beautiful, big-hearted, brilliant son. I miss my babies (doggy and kitty) terribly! I have a hard time even talking about it…
I feel lonely often. Sometimes it’s really painful lonliness. Other times it’s an awareness that I’m here, with a set of circumstances, and that the field is empty and waiting for me to make a move.
Any and all of the internal work that I have been able to put aside for years is rearing up and demanding to be seen and felt. It has been relentless. I have cried mercy so many times! That’s usually when God and the Universe show up with kind gestures, and messages in all forms, that I am on the right path and to stay the course. I’ve never been on such an unpredictable, twisty, frightening ride in my life.
It’s been quiet. I’ve shared with many people the value of being in stillness. I have been told that I have a gift for going there, into the “gap” if you will. However, at this time in my life it has been one of the most difficult things to do. Being in that space allows things to bubble up… grocery lists, memories, emotions, fears, terror, stuff I have spent most of life stuffing down inside me… those kinds of things. It’s no wonder that most clients and friends of mine at least initially have lots of resistance to sitting with the “quiet”. I still say it is one of the most powerful practices there is. I have needed the quiet.
As the new year is upon us, I am taking inventory of where I spent the year of 2016, as one does. I wish I could list major external accomplishments but most all of my victories this year have been internal ones. This is okay. It has to be because that is what is real and true. These hurdles and hurts have been necessary to prepare me for what I am being called to do moving forward.
What I know is that being in nature and my practice of yoga have been essential to my process. Doing the same work that I do with clients is helping me to heal lifetimes of pain. It is the most powerful work there is. I am learning more and more to speak my truth, especially when it’s hard! I have also watched what miracles can happen when I actually surrender (and not just say that I am) to life and its mystical wisdom. As I sit here now, I am awash in love, beauty, connection and grace on a level that I didn’t know was possible before. The best part is that I am very aware of it being only the beginning.
I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me in small and HUGE ways! I have been sustained by (and have survived on) the love, prayers, kindness, hugs and all sorts of magical juju that have been offered so generously by the community to which I belong.
This year will be one of discovery. You are invited to join me in asking these questions:
What am I really made of? What am I willing to risk? How am I willing to grow? What can I learn? How can I understand others more? How can I stay open to opportunity, joy, hope, and the dreams of my own heart? How do I best LOVE?
That last one is a big one. Because without our ability to love better, why should we bother with the other stuff?
You will also be hearing from me a lot more!
LOVE and Blessings to you in 2017 <3
